This is the sight that I see each morning, afternoon and evening when I go to the sink in my kitchen. Where I go to clean, wash dishes, sweep and mop the floor, cook, snack, argue, have serious discussions, have ephianies, laugh over the events of the day, hear the latest news, view the hottest fashions, sported by my In crowd teenagers, learn to carry huge amounts of stuff in and out of the kitchen door, hug friends, have romantic candle lit dinners, cradle babies, soothe an upset teenager or two and other such life events that occur around hearth and home. Yes, the kitchen is baptism by fire, by air and water. Oops! I digress, what I meant to say was: I have these four shapes in three dimension to effortlessly remind me of the direction I am choosing to go. They act as sentinels to stand guard over the relentless tiny self who has reigned over my life for far too long.
Yes, they are there as sentinels … and yet so many times, even within the space of one hour .. I forget. Then my tiny self takes its advantage and leverages its addiction for the crazy, out of control , anger based peptides. And next thing I know I’m off into a rage of anger, hurt and other such negative issues. It happens far too often that the anger peptides win! Dagnabbit!! 1 breathe, 2 inhale, 3 exhale, 4 breathe, 5 inhale, 6 exhale, 7 breathe, just 7 measley seconds, seven seconds!, REALLY?? WELL ALRIGHTY THEN! If it’s seven seconds then I’m only allowed seven seconds. PERIOD. It’s all I’m allotted for a negative thought to be present. Either, I shift to a neutral or positive thought OR I must reset my Mental Diet and begin my count right from zero again and again and yet again so I may gain my 7 DAYS TO FREEDOM!
Well, at least I can pat myself on the back with an honest congratulations. My longest time without a negative thought was 16 hours (8 of those hours were when I was asleep, a dreamless sleep at that). I’m proud of myself for that accomplishment because in that last hour of the 16, I actually used the 7 second rule successfully twice! Then Bang! Snap! I broke into a rant about the kids having not done the dishes properly. Start again. Even got myself whipped into a frenzy of tossing the Tupperware around the kitchen! Start again! Holy moley! I’d only locked my tiny self down for 16 hours and she was gonna have her anger peptides and she was gonna have her anger fix real good.
My, my, my those peptides and the tiny self …what a strong bond they have! It is as if the longer I hold on to my commitment to the 7 Day Mental Diet, the harder and more crafty my tiny self becomes. She plots, plans and creates mayhem that erupts like lava all over my nicely polished ideals!
I was so relieved on the 1st of December when we got to open Scroll III. All I can say is: Thank God for Scroll III! “I will persist until I succeed.” Those words of wisdom from Og are a breath of fresh air to this drowning rat of a person called Julie. The knowledge that I will persist until I succeed went straight to my soul and tears of joy, relief and a new found resolve weld up inside of me. I cried. Good tears, of course. I gave up a prayer of thanks to God for leading me to this course. Wow! What an epiphany!
Then of course there is dear, deep Haanel … this week’s sit of visualizing a cone coming towards me in assorted colors! How cool is that? When I am able to fully see these visions at my command. BAM! Then I’ll know for sure I’ve mastered something amazing and powerful! WOW! Once I master this visualization then I know I can create anything that I’d like! Anything I can imagine! Anything at all! It’ll be like snapping my fingers! And there it will be! The only limitations will be the limitations I place on what is possible! Incredible! We are only at the beginning of the second trimester! Funny how that sounds so much like growing a baby. I do believe that once this course is completed I’ll feel just like that – a new born baby. With a whole new view of Life and what is possible and of what I am able to create.
Speaking of being reborn, as a huge aside I was baptized November 24, 2016. On reflection, this baptism day coincided with an enormous effort on the part of my tiny self to keep to familiar ground, to not rock the boat, to be all normal and everything. My teenage son came with me to the church, even though he is agnostic. As we got nearer to the church, he decided he didn’t want to come in to church. He’d simply wait for me out in the car. What did you say?!! (Enter tiny self.) I was just about to blow my top… you mean you came all this way… only to… but then, no! No! No way! This is so not going to happen! You, yeah you over there, tiny self. You are going to listen to me. You are going to stop this unruly behavior, immediately! You are not gong to ruin or even get close to stopping my baptism! My new self found her strength! Oh yeah!
In no uncertain terms was this situation going to turn into a shouting match! I decided my new self was going to win this one! So, I came to a gentle and calm agreement with my son, he would stay in the car and when it came time for my Baptisim he’d be called in by someone from the church. He agreed to that. Whew! Storm of tiny self averted! Then, my tiny self made yet another attempt to derail my plans. When I walked into the church I was suddenly overcome with self doubt. I had extremely strong second thoughts about what I was about to do. Was getting baptized the right thing for me to do or not? Tears of frustration, tears of fear, tears of uncertainty. After all, my own flesh and blood was sitting right outside, in my car, no less. He was not even going to grace the threshold of the church. Let alone allow himself to partake of a Sunday sermon. Then I saw Willie, the elder who had agreed to baptize me. I then calmed right down. We discussed baptism. I discovered that baptism is not a commitment to the church per say, it is a baptism to open my heart to God and to do His work, the most important work. John 6:14 “The work of God is this: to believe in the one He has sent.” Then we went to church to listen to the service and to sing to the glory of the Lord. You know what? The entire service was exactly what I needed to hear. It spoke directly to my heart, to my soul. It was as if the good Lord knew what was required, what I needed. The service was all about forgiveness and offering oneself up to service, service isn’t about being subservient… not at all! The service being spoken of is in Service to the most high; the universal flow, that sort service. Then the sermon went on to discuss the depth and truth of being forgiven, by God and His Son, Jesus Christ. Perfect in every way!
At communion time, I was asked by (pronounced Jen-nAy) Jena, the elder’s wife, to excuse myself. Jena walked with me to the changing room. There I prepared myself in clothes that I could get wet, clothes in which I would be reborn. I was instructed as to what to expect, where to walk, etc. I was asked to come out from the changing room to take my short walk to the baptism pool and to my surprise and delight, the entire congregation was there! And there was my son too! Thank God! I couldn’t have been more filled with joy! I was gently guided to the baptism pool by Jena. Then Willie, my elder took my other hand and helped me walk down the steps into the baptism pool. He said a few words to the congregation. Then he turned to me and looked deep in my eyes and asked me an important question and only one question.
“Do you believe that Jesus is the son of God?” I answered, “Yes.” And it is done.
God is good.